My Depression Journey

Another Step Backwards 

So I’m still on holiday in Lanzarote, and things were going really well, until something came up and I ended up having a fall out with my other half. 
Since I’ve had depression, when we fall out, we fall out big time. Said other half points out to me what I’ve done wrong and why I’ve upset them, and every time, without fail, I go back after the volcano that is my temper has subdued, and realise that they were completely right. And every time we argue, I do the same things wrong. 
Looking back now at our argument just an hour or so later, I already realise why I was in the wrong, but at the time of disagreement, all sane thoughts just fly from my mind and I’m replaced with some rampaging bull that cares only about itself. If only I knew how to stop it and step back before an argument erupts and think about what i would initially say, and what actually is the right thing to say to be fair and reasonable and keep the discussion cool. 

For me, an argument with my other half is another step backwards, because this is something I’ve been trying to work on and seem to keep on failing. I know what the right or better thing to say is, I know how I should react, but for some reason, something takes over me and all that becomes foggy and hazy and completely goes out of the window to allow the rampaging bull to break through. 

A lot of work is needed on this. And hats off to my other half for putting up with it. I just can’t seem to figure out how to take a step back and review the possible outcomes of a situation before i give a response, I’m just straight in there with the raging bull horns. 

After a disagreement I feel very low, tired, and like nothing I’ve been working on is worth it. I feel like giving up. I’ve tried so hard yet failed again. I don’t know how much more I can take. I seem to be progressing in other areas and eating well, but this is proving to be a struggle. It isn’t my other halfs fault at all, I’m too quick to defend myself, which leads to me not really thinking about how my Significant Other feels, and causing them far more pain than necessary. 

I know I’m going through a tough journey, but how long is this hurdle going to take to overcome?

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My Depression Journey

Fly, Fly Away

I’m currently sat on a plane writing this blogpost, on my way to Lanzarote. The sooner I can get into the sun and forget about my problems for a while, the better!

I’ve been very stressed recently with college work and other commitments as well as battling my depression, and what I need more than anything is a break. A week away in the sunshine with no college work to do, or dances to choreograph is long overdue.
Depression is an ongoing battle, and unfortunately doesn’t fly away when you fly away from the place where all your problems lie. I am aware of this, and don’t expect and week depression free, but I really do feel that this break is what I need and will be good for me. A break from routine, some new things to do, memories to make and fun to be had.

I am planning on lounging by the pool, getting a tan, drinking cocktails, and writing a few blogposts. No work, no stress. A break. A well needed break from routine.

Let’s go, Lanzarote, bring me sunshine, a tan, and a week of no worries.

My Depression Journey

A Prime Example

Placeholder ImageThis little story of my night tonight is a prime example of ‘fake it till you make it’.

I went to one of my friends houses tonight for a few drinks to celebrate her birthday. Did I want to go? Not. At. All. But, I forced myself to go, otherwise how am I ever going to get better? On top of my depression I also suffer with social anxiety, so situations like a party are my worse nightmare. But, I stuck it out. And even though I hated it and felt uncomfortable, I’m proud of myself for actually going. I really considered making up an excuse and getting under my covers and staying there until I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning for another day. But I managed to persuade myself not to do that. And I’m proud of it. A tiny step it may be, but it’s a massive step for me.

So there I was at my friends house, laughing, smiling, dancing, and really not feeling it. Until I realised something. I’d started to feel okay. I’d stopped not feeling it, and was actually having an okay time. This took me by complete surprise as it isn’t something that I’d ever expected, especially so soon in my journey. But I’m not complaining. I faked it, till I made it! Admittedly only for one night, but it’s still an improvement!

Tonight I promised myself that I will definitely go to the next party I’m invited to, no matter what, and try my very best to have a good time. It will take time, but I’m going to show my social anxiety the door and finally be able to let loose!

Social anxiety, KISS MY … (You insert the rest)¬†

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A Failed Attempt

Placeholder ImageFollowing yesterday’s post, I got up this morning, motivated and ready to have a good day. I had a shower, did my hair, put some makeup on. Took the dog for a walk, had a healthy lunch and ate some fruit. All before 1 o’clock. By 3 o’clock, I was in tears, feeling low, depressed and helpless. Again.

My instant thoughts were:

  • Why did I even bother?
  • I’m never going to be able to do this
  • I give up

But now, laying in bed, looking back at my day, what good are those thoughts going to do me? Absolutely none. So I’ve decided to change them round. My thoughts now are:

  • I tried but maybe I should try even harder
  • I’m going to be able to this. It will take time, but I can do it
  • I’m not going to give up

In my eyes, today may have been a bit of a failed attempt, but in hindsight, I did a lot better than I have been doing for the past few months. Today was progress. This is going to take time. A lot of time. But a step is a step. No matter how small. I’m going to wake up tomorrow and have the same attitude that I did this morning. Where am I going to get by giving up? Absolutely nowhere. So here’s to positivity.

Here’s to positivity and trying again.

My Depression Journey

Making A Change

So here I am, lay in bed, wide awake, at 12:17am. I suffer from depression. And the previous day had been horrific. Just like the one before that. And the one before that. But what I thought was just going to be the same boring old stuff again today, actually ended up being quite different.

I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I had a realisation. I realised that things need to change. I can’t live like this any longer.

I skip meals, I sleep a lot, I don’t take care of myself, what kind of a life am I leading? If I carry on like this, I’m going to regret it.

So, I found myself an online chat group, where you can speak to counsellors anonymously, and also chat to other people going through the same thing as you. I signed myself up, which is a big step for me. I used the NHS website and researched what is good to help combat depression, and what lifestyle changes I need to make. I set myself achievable goals to begin working towards, I want to make this work.

My journey begins tomorrow. A new way of life. A happy way of life. I know I’m going to have my bad days, and I will embrace them just as I aim to with the good. I am ready to do this. I’m scared sh*tless but I am ready to make a change.

Bring on tomorrow.